Greetings, Miss MannersThe hostess had decorated a beautiful table with candles and flowers for a dinner party. I gave her props for the scene.
Later, as supper began, I discovered that the flowers were obstructing my vision of the person seated across from me, which prevented us from having a possible conversation. I asked the hostess if we could move the tall flowers so we could see each other because I wanted to talk to this guest. (The table still had towering candles and some lovely, shorter flowers.)
She shifted them while muttering loudly enough for everyone to hear that I was spoiling the lovely table she had prepared. Despite how humiliating that was, I remained silent and thanked her for relocating them.
My spouse later told me that I shouldn’t have spoken. The host ought to have been more polite, and I thought I handled it correctly.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners will not agree with your husband’s suggestion that you did anything wrong.
Perhaps, however, he was only implying that, given that you both know your hostess, her response was expected: You were fortunate that she did not empty the vase into your lap, lowering the level of the flowers.
If it occurs again, you might ask to have the flowers moved while maintaining a strong grip on them, or you could repeat your compliment about the flowers.
Greetings, Miss MannersI was requested to confirm anything, but since it’s a private subject, I don’t want to. Because it’s too personal, I don’t want to lie or dispute it, but I also don’t want to acknowledge that it’s true.
It appears that they will still interpret my avoidance as a yes even if I sidestep the question or don’t respond immediately. What am I supposed to say?
GENTLE READER: No.
Confirmation bias is frequently caused by avoidance or procrastination, its more tenacious cousin. If there is no proof to the contrary, your friend will conclude that you have confirmed what they want you to.
A polite but firm no, according to Miss Manners, would be more understandable for all parties.
Greetings, Miss MannersOne of my coworkers has indicated on a few occasions that she has a grown son with special needs and must return home to him, thus she is unable to attend some work-related events.
I believe she is comfortable discussing it because she has brought it up a few times. How can I inquire about her son without seeming intrusive?
Gentle Reader: It would be appropriate to inquire right after the son is brought up in relation to one of the invitations.
Greetings, Miss MannersI’ve received several lunch invitations from a coworker, but I just cannot afford to go out. I don’t want to talk about my financial condition, but I also don’t want to think she’s treating me badly. I hate to keep making excuses, but I have.
PERSONAL READER:Then agree without talking about your financial status or demanding payment from anyone. Let’s say that you have been taking lunch to work and that you would want to eat with her if she wants to do the same.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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