Greetings, Miss MannersAmong the foods that my husband and four of our seven children are allergic to are onions, mushrooms, and pork. The majority of our family members and friends are aware of this and will make every effort to stay away from these situations. For instance, if they are serving pork, they will prepare extra for the two children who are unable to consume it. Additionally, we make an effort to feed our children before attending potlucks or other gatherings where the food might contain items we are unaware of.
My spouse and one child were involved in an accident around a year ago. People were delivering pizza and takeaway or bringing over cooked foods as part of a food train that our church organized. (A few occasions, we performed the same for other families.) Although they informed others about the sensitivities in our household, some people continued to bring over dishes that contained those items. “I know you said no (ingredient), but once you taste this, you can take an antihistamine and it will be okay,” one woman would offer.
I’m a person who detests offending people. I simply said “thank you” since I didn’t know how to gently explain that it doesn’t work that way and I didn’t want them to feel guilty. Some of the plates were thrown out, but I was able to give a few to a relative.
I had surgery not long ago and spent forty-six days in the hospital. Once more, the church delivered. The same woman brought the same food over one day when my husband and son were the only people home. My husband asked her if it contained cilantro, onions, mushrooms, or pork. She advised him to take an antihistamine and mentioned that it was the same food she had brought over the previous time.
My husband threw out the food after she departed. When he later returned the empty plate to her, he informed her that eating it would have sent him and our child to the hospital.
I suppose she left in tears. I felt awful about his handling of it when I was told about it when I came home. Even though it upset her, he stated I should have turned down the meal the first time. Is it possible to decline such things in a more tactful manner?
GENTLE READER: Respect and the benefit of the doubt are things that everyone desires. There is also a universal desire for others to be reasonable.
If we could just persuade everyone to do the same, it would all work out.
Your husband likely views the antihistamine remark as a rude addition, and he wants the onion-and-pork lady to realize that the family allergies are more than just personal preferences. He believes it is illogical to give someone a present that they will not value or to expect gratitude for it.
You could remind him that, despite her ignorance, she seems to have good intentions. Without criticizing her, one could try to educate her by pointing out that she had excellent intentions and that it would be risky to accept her thoughtful gift, but that she couldn’t be expected to understand how the allergies work.
Miss Manners would also advise you to appeal to your husband’s logical side, saying that he will go hungry if he tears up every potential donor.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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