Greetings, Miss MannersSince I have never smoked, it goes without saying that I forbid anyone from lighting up in my house or vehicle. There are no exceptions. However, if I’m riding with a friend who smokes, they will unavoidably light up without asking if I’m okay.
They will blow out the smoke via the opening in their window. The smoke from the still-burning cigarette, however, soon spreads throughout the entire car. I wipe my stinging eyes and cough as a result. Usually, the companion will notice, apologize occasionally, and possibly put out their cigarette a minute earlier.
Other than avoiding getting in the car at all with a smoker, what is my best course of action? Would it be impolite of me to gently request that they not smoke until we get to our destination?
Yes, they have the regulations and the car. However, my lungs’ condition should also be important.
PERSONAL READER:Yours is one of the most important etiquette questions of our day in a broader sense. However, Miss Manners believes that question is frequently misstated.
It makes sense for anyone with a terrible illness to wonder, “Whose need is greater?” Additionally, basic decency requires helping those in need under dire circumstances.
How much can a guest properly impose on a host is the appropriate issue for more commonplace scenarios. The degree and frequency of the imposition, as well as the intimacy of the friendship, will determine the response.
An alternative to consistently refusing a ride is to use it sensibly, with a friend rather than a complete stranger: You can refuse by saying that you don’t want to be forced and that even a small amount of smoke irritates you. Knowing that sending out a second invitation entails accepting stricter terms, the driver can then choose whether to do so.
Greetings, Miss MannersSeveral women, including myself, received a group text from my neighbor, with whom I have a cordial conversation, inviting us to join her for dinner at a nearby restaurant and then yoga. “I would love to come to dinner,” I replied.
“What are you doing here?” she asked me as I arrived at the restaurant. I blurted out that she had invited me since I was so surprised and unsure of how to react.
I’m still uncomfortable and unsure of how I should have reacted at the time. I simply don’t feel comfortable around her anymore. What ought I to have done?
GENTLE READER: You will have to completely rewrite your neighbor’s statement because it is too hurtful to be forgiven.
Miss Manners is not advising you to act as though your hearing aid broke; doing so could cause a repetition. Consider it a joke instead.
Before you complain that this is dishonest, think about how appreciative everyone will be to be allowed this polite exit, including your neighbor, though it might take some time for her to express gratitude. Your future contacts with her may need to be spaced out if that process is going to be measured in units larger than minutes or hours.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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