Greetings, Miss MannersThe trans man I am the mother of underwent a transition in his thirties. Naturally, I respond that he is now a man when folks I haven’t seen in a long time inquire about my daughter.
Some have even asked me if he has a penis, and others have inquired about the surgery he has undergone. The first time this occurred, I was so taken aback that I was unable to speak until I finally muttered, “I don’t actually know.”
The next time, I’m not sure how to react.
GENTLE READER: I don’t discuss my child’s intimate areas.
Miss Manners is afraid that someone who is bold enough to inquire could be all too willing to share, but you could also add, Nor would you, I hope.
Greetings, Miss MannersLike many others, I can only put up with my mother-in-law for brief periods of time. For background, aside from the document, my partner and I are essentially married and live together. Additionally, this woman is not his real mother; she is his stepmother.
When she says hello or goodbye, she gives my lover a kiss on the lips. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. I’ve expressed my displeasure to my lover, but he frequently forgets.
Additionally, she invites my 2-year-old grandchild to kiss her on the lips, which is again inappropriate in my opinion. He is at the age where we are attempting to teach him that he is free to refuse to give others hugs and kisses. In particular, the kissing. She is not his immediate family, therefore that is for them.
Once, when using the restroom, she took him with her—completely inappropriate! Even though I’m his grandmother, I won’t let him in with me. How should this be handled, in your opinion?
PERSONAL READER:It appears that Miss Manners is only willing to support you on one of the two concerns at hand.
It is inappropriate to give someone a lip-kiss if they do not want one. You don’t have to participate, of course, but if your guy is cool with it, then so be it. All you can do is keep letting him know how uncomfortable you are and hope he’ll remember.
Regarding your grandson, he will soon be able to make the choice on his own if you educate him how to set his own boundaries. That’s probably the only thing you can do.
The fact that the woman is not biologically connected to your boyfriend or your grandchild, however, undermines your argument because it appears that you have another goal in mind. Although you don’t say how long the connection lasted, your boyfriend and the stepmother might view her as a long-standing family member.
She might also think that she has the right to assist with potty training because she is a de facto grandparent. It’s acceptable if you find this type of intimacy repulsive, but you need to make it equitable. Blood relatives are equally out of limits in many situations. Consent, not familial hierarchy, is the true problem.
In other words, unwelcome kissing is a serious enough problem in and of itself. Don’t undermine it by implying that there is a hierarchy about its appropriateness.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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