To Annie, please:I’m a 47-year-old Texas lady who doesn’t typically voice complaints. Although I’ve always thought of myself as resilient, I’m in a predicament where I need guidance on two linked matters.
First, and this cannot be said simply, my mother had an affair with my boyfriend from high school. Beginning when I was a freshman and he was a senior, we dated for four years. My dad and I were left behind when my mom fled with him in the brand-new convertible he had just purchased for her during my senior year. It was unpleasant and awful. My final year was significantly worse because my parents divorced soon after (and after 25 years of marriage).
Even worse, my mother never told me what she had done. In contrast, my ex-boyfriend boasted about it. I threw him to the ground. We didn’t communicate for around seven years after my dad relocated to Oregon to be with family. When he came to see my son, who was then over a year old, we got back in touch. He then returned to Texas, where we lived together for the next four years of his life before he died of cancer.
I was quite close to my dad when I was growing up. It wasn’t until just before his death that we discussed my mother’s betrayal. Although he didn’t drink, he once told me about her affair while we were out for a beer. The depth of the hurt was evident. He also related how, years prior, my mom was prohibited from returning to the school where my dad graduated and served as a dorm parent because she had a relationship with a senior. In order to take care of my sister, who was still a newborn, my dad also left school.
I’ve always yearned for a relationship with my mother in spite of everything. I addressed her around ten years ago because I was so devastated by her leaving with my boyfriend. I wanted an apology, and I still do. “I don’t owe you anything,” she said. I was rebaptized, and that’s between God and me. That was painful, and it didn’t give me much regret to help me get over it.
My boys are now 18 and 22. My oldest has always been the target of financial manipulation by my mother and sister in an attempt to sour relations. My youngest sees right through them and will soon be a Marine. He wasn’t shocked when I recently told him why I don’t communicate with my mother and sister. He’s already severed his connection with them.
I have the following questions: How can I forgive my mother when she doesn’t take responsibility or express regret? Furthermore, how can I establish ties with my dad’s family in Oregon, whom I hardly know because my mother prevented me from seeing them? I want to connect with them since I feel so alone in Texas, but I’m not sure where to begin. Is it too late? Above all else, how can I let go of the bitterness that I know is causing me harm? — In pursuit of tranquility
To Those Seeking Peace:I cannot fathom the extent of the harm caused by your mother’s infidelity, particularly at such a critical juncture in your life—and with your lover, at that. I apologize deeply.
It is difficult to forgive someone who is unable to own their wrongdoing, but it is not necessary to make amends, particularly when dealing with a poisonous person. Forgiveness is ultimately more important for your mental health than anything else. It’s time for you to let go of the grief you’ve been carrying around for so long. You can permanently overcome this trauma with the assistance of a skilled therapist.
Try sending a brief letter or message online to your father’s family. Being unable to connect with them as a child is not your fault, but as an adult, you have the opportunity to rediscover what family means to you and the type of relationship you desire with them.
Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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