Note: The first edition of this column appeared in 2022.
To Annie, please:At 75 years old, I still enjoy a wonderful relationship with my foster brother, with whom I grew up in a loving foster home.
From the age of seven until I left for college, I lived with my biological family. To put it briefly, my biological brother and I are not close.
He and his family are almost unbearable to me now. He never stops boasting. Condescending, materialistic, snobbish, self-centered, and careless, he never helps others until it benefits him. He and his spouse appear to enjoy making crude, invasive inquiries and insulting our kids and their families.
My spouse, kids, and I do not wish to communicate with him or his family. We stopped reaching out to them a number of years ago. We simply ceased communicating with them, and they didn’t appear to notice until recently. We didn’t make any announcements.
We don’t want to and haven’t returned their calls. We believe we shouldn’t have to deal with them at this point in our lives. But perhaps I ought to at least talk to my brother. I am at a loss for words. It will have to be short because this man doesn’t hear what I have to say.
Again, though, we do not wish to have a relationship with these individuals. — No Contact Is Needed
Dear No Contact:It’s one thing to ignore a date, but to ignore your own brother?
In the end, it is unfair to exclude him without providing a reason. Express to him how his actions have wounded you. Maybe you two can see a family therapist to help you mend your relationship if he is willing to listen. If he doesn’t, it’s likely better for your kids to be free of the taunts and invasive questions.
To Annie, please:I’d like to resume my online dating life. I’m a 32-year-old woman with experience dating online, and I was always honest—perhaps too honest—about myself in my profile. My speaking impairment is the issue. According to some, it sounds like an Elmer Fudd-inspired accent. I’m terrible at pronouncing some words. I want to know if I should disclose my speech impairment on my profile or if I should wait until a match knows me better before telling them.
When I used to date, I would make reference to it in my profile, and I would always draw the worst kind of men—those who would exploit my deepest fears and those who were very critical. There is a part of me that wants to be direct and honest, but there is also a part that believes they must first earn my trust. I can’t decide what to do. Any suggestions? — My Speech Was a Speed Bump
To Speed Bump,You don’t have to give a detailed account of yourself in your dating profile. Consider what you want to share about yourself with a possible match rather than what you should include. Your speech handicap is not one of the many traits and experiences that make you who you are.
Above all, keep in mind that the appropriate man for you will only be interested in what you have to say, not how you express it.
Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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