Note: The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To Annie, please:My daughter, who is currently 29 years old, is my only child. She now has a boy, my grandson, who is 1 1/2 years old, and left our hometown because she met her husband there. When she first became pregnant, she asked me if I would move down to their house and watch their kids Monday through Friday. In summary, I did relocate. Even though my family and friends are only two hours away, I left them all behind. I now only babysit when necessary because she has chosen to enroll him in daycare.
Being in this new place has been really difficult for me and continues to be so. I left my partner when I moved down here, so I don’t know anyone and am still unmarried. Additionally, it appears that I only get to see my grandson when she asks me to watch him.
She recently enrolled him in toddler soccer, and I expressed my want to watch him play. She didn’t ask me to go with them when they went this past Saturday. It appears that she only invites me to events when her spouse is unable to go due to work obligations on Saturdays. This is hurting me a little, but I don’t want to bring it up to her since I don’t want to start a heated argument.
I’ve been living here for a year, and I’ve been lonely. I’m torn about returning to my hometown because I won’t be able to see my grandson as frequently.
Do you think it’s irrational for me to be upset that she doesn’t invite me to events when her spouse is going? In order to enjoy a social life, should I return to my hometown, which is two hours away? — Missing home
Greetings, Homesick:It sounds like you were asked to move to her neighborhood by a stressed-out first-time mother. She no longer requires assistance now that she is comfortable with her parenting responsibilities; this does not imply that she does not value you, but rather that she is focused on her personal family.
Return to your hometown and get back in touch with your significant other. A satisfying social life does not consist on waiting for invitations while seated by the phone.
To Annie, please:Recently, my son’s father expressed his desire to do everything in his power for our nearly 4-year-old son. But I haven’t received much assistance since the birth of our baby. He only went to work in the morning and played video games when he got home.
When our son would approach his father to spend time with him, he would be told no and pushed away because his father was playing a game. I’m okay with my son being a mama’s boy because of that.
We have a little girl expecting on December 26 and I’m currently with someone else that recognizes my value. We’re engaged, too.
I’m not sure how I feel about my son’s father saying he will stop at nothing to be involved in our son’s life. You don’t get to decide when you want to have children. Any suggestions? — An anxious mother from New York
To My Overwhelmed Mother:Yes, his paternal instinct is taking over four years later than it should, but it’s better late than never for your son.
He has already lost out on memories that he will never regain. However, don’t let your bitterness toward him to keep your son from ever meeting his father. A flawed parent is preferable to one who is not there.
Begin modestly. Once a week, invite your son’s father to supper with your family. Reduce the controls gradually if his devotion to your son is more than a passing phase.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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