To Annie, please:I’m Jess, and I’ve always taken great satisfaction in being the reliable one. I work well as a marketing manager, have a great husband named Fred, and have a steady, predictable existence. Everything appears to be ideal on paper. However, I’ve been plagued by a persistent, nagging feeling that something is missing lately.

My parents had financial difficulties when I was growing up, so I was taught to prioritize security over all else. I decided against going after my dream of being a travel writer in favor of a more practical employment. Instead of relocating to a big city like New York or living overseas, I purchased a smart condo. I question whether I’ve chosen comfort over excitement, even in my relationship with Fred, who is kind, trustworthy, and everything I could ever want.

At 34, I’m now reflecting on my life and wondering if I’ve created a life that I genuinely love or one that just seems secure. Whether it’s taking a sabbatical to backpack across Europe, taking an improv class, or finally publishing that travel blog, I’ve been dreaming of taking chances. But I freeze every time I think about it. What if I destroy the stability I’ve put so much effort into creating? What happens if I let those who depend on me down?

How can I strike a balance between this strong want to attempt something daring and novel and the life I’ve meticulously built? Can I pursue adventure without ruining everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve? The Steady Dreamer, Jess

Dear Steady Dreamer Jess:I advise you to take a chance! When we have already encountered trauma, freezing up is a common reaction. Your body is responding as if you were still in danger, but you are not. Actually, not pursuing the life you genuinely want to live is the actual risk.

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Take small measures at first. Take a lesson on a subject you’re interested in, or write a few articles for a travel blog. The reluctance patterns will start to fade as soon as you start taking action toward your objectives.

Additionally, I suggest looking into somatic therapy, which is a great tool for treating freeze, fight, or flight reactions. You can process and let go of some of the traumas that could be preventing you from moving on with the assistance of a qualified somatic therapist.

Now that you’ve established a strong foundation, it’s time to create the life you’ve always imagined!

To Annie, please:I’ve spent the majority of my life struggling with romance. At the age of 27, I frequently suffer with unrequited crushes. I feel like I shouldn’t be having to deal with something so unimportant at my age, therefore it’s embarrassing. Crushes seem more appropriate for children than for a successful adult woman who appears to have her life together.

I have strong feelings for a coworker right now, which is nothing new for me, but it feels stronger this time. These feelings are almost intoxicating, and it hurts to know that I can’t act on them. This cycle has recurred throughout my life, with certain circumstances constantly making it hard to pursue these emotions.

I always end up falling in love with someone I can’t have, which causes heartbreak after prolonged yearning. It’s really difficult to keep my appreciation to myself when all I want to do is publicly show my regard and love.

One day, I hope to find someone with whom I can have a true romantic relationship and break free from this agonizing cycle. I can’t help but feel stuck, though. In addition, I’m afraid of running out of time. I’m concerned that falling in love too late will prevent me from starting a family of my own because my mom was married and had children when I was her age.

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How can I stop feeling so hopeless and end this cycle? How can I finally put my worries aside and go on? — Under stress

To Everyone Who Is Stressed Out:Your mother was raised in a different era. It’s not necessary for you to follow her timetable. Finding someone with whom you feel the same way is crucial.

A one-sided crush frequently indicates a deeper need for approval or connection with the person. You might investigate these tendencies with the assistance of a therapist, who could also point you in the direction of more positive approaches to relationships. Focus on creating a happy life away from romance in the interim; cultivate interests, friendships, and passions that make you happy.

When the correct connection is made, it will feel natural and reciprocal rather than like a painful cycle. Treat yourself with kindness and patience. Love will find you in its own time, and you’re not behind.

Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].

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