To Annie, please:I have a dilemma. Both my spouse, who is 65, and I, who is 67, are retired; I now work from home two days a week for about seven hours each day. I do not receive Social Security, but he does. He didn’t even have a 401(k). I was attempting to make up the difference presently.
My husband believes that I can work longer hours if we need more money, but he doesn’t see any issues or the necessity for me to acquire a part-time job. This has been the subject of numerous debates and controversies. He was recently the target of a scammer who gained access to our shared accounts. We lost almost ten thousand dollars. In the ten years that we have been married, he has also been hacked multiple times.
Right now, I’m considering keeping my earnings from work apart from our joint account. To make him see where the money is going, I’ve even considered splitting up the bills. It’s coming to the point where I’ve never told him that I make three times as much money as he does. I’ve also informed him that he needs to find a part-time job if he wants money. He will search for one online, but he never actually does. I am at a loss on what to do. — Screaming in terms of finances
Dear Screaming Financially:I concur that starting to deposit funds into a different account would be wise. Naturally, let your husband know before you do so, and make sure he knows that this isn’t done to punish him, but rather to save money for a future emergency. In light of this, I would also advise consulting a financial planner. Having an expert review the figures is always beneficial, and given your husband’s propensity to fall for scams, they might be able to provide a bit more security for your hard-earned cash.
In the end, you can no longer support your family as the only provider. Discuss the stress this has caused you to feel with your husband in a direct and calm manner, without arguing. Working as a team is the foundation of marriage, and you should have a real spouse to support you through these difficulties.
To Annie, please:In multiple relationships, I have experienced infidelity. Since I didn’t have many romantic experiences in high school, I made the decision to start dating when I started college. However, my ex was a flirt, and my first relationship was completely poisonous. Eventually, I ended our relationship.
Even worse was my most recent relationship. After our argument, he abandoned me. Then, as an adult, he made the decision to date a family friend who was a juvenile. I’m afraid that all I draw are trashy males. I’m concerned about whether I’m doing enough or too much to attract excellent guys.
I recently worked up the nerve to approach a crush of mine. After my last relationship, he was the first guy I fell completely in love with, but I’m afraid he’ll be like the others. What ought I to do? Or what is it about me that keeps drawing these trashy, duplicitous men? Thank you. — Do I Attract Jerks?
To Jerk Magnet,The bad treatment you’ve had from previous partners is definitely not your fault. Choosing what you will and won’t stand for in your future relationship and maintaining your boundaries once you’ve established them are things you can manage. As you said, infidelity and ghosting are both painful and completely unacceptable. Run—don’t walk—away from a potential love partner if you notice these warning signs. You are so deserving of better treatment than that.
Try not to transfer these anxieties and hurts from your past onto your new crush. Establish a solid basis for a possible relationship by taking your time and enjoying getting to know one another.
Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].