To Annie, please:As a stepparent, I’ve discovered something unexpected over the years: holidays don’t have to fall on certain dates. Christmas Eve is as meaningful to our family as Christmas Day, and we’ve even celebrated Thanksgiving again on the Friday after, complete with leftovers and a freshly baked pie. We’ve also started switching up who gets which holiday every year. Everyone enjoys meaningful, quality time in this way, free from pressure or hurry.
It began as a means of preventing my stepchild from feeling torn between parents, but it has developed into a structure that works for everyone, including the extended family. For instance, in order to maintain a neutral environment and keep the attention on the kids, both my ex and my partner’s ex now stay at hotels rather than with the kids.
I’d want to spread the word about this concept, but I’m also wondering whether you think most mixed families could benefit from this strategy or if there are any drawbacks I should be aware of. In circumstances involving co-parenting or stepparenting, what guidance would you provide others navigating shared holidays? Blended Families
To Blended,Your method is considerate and kind; it’s a wonderful present for your family. Holiday celebrations that are adaptable might help kids feel less stressed and help everyone make lasting memories. Many blended families find success with this approach because it puts the children’s welfare first while encouraging peace amongst the adults.
Mutual respect and open communication are essential. I appreciate you sharing what has been effective for you.
To Annie, please:I could really use some advice because I’m having a hard time in my role as a stepmother. My spouse and I have been married for little over a year, and he has two children, ages eight and twelve, from a previous marriage. I get to see them frequently, albeit not every day, because they divide their time between their mother’s house and ours.
I want to get along well with them, but I’m having trouble figuring out where I fit in. I feel as though I’m balancing being too involved with not being involved enough. I want to positively impact their lives and make them feel like they are a part of the family, but I also don’t want to cross boundaries with their mother or give the impression that I’m attempting to take her place.
Although the children are courteous, I get the impression that they are hesitant to open up to me completely. I sometimes think that no matter how hard I try, they will always see me as an outsider. Not taking it personally is difficult.
In addition, my spouse and I have occasionally disagreed on discipline. Because he feels bad about the divorce, he often overlooks things, but I think it’s important to set clear expectations and boundaries. How can I raise these issues without making our marriage tense?
I truly want to handle this with patience and kindness, but I’m feeling overburdened and uncertain of my course of action. How can I manage the challenges of being a stepmother, create a loving bond with my stepchildren, and keep my marriage strong? — Overwhelmed Stepmother
To the Overwhelmed:Continue your current course of action. It takes time, patience, and persistence to establish a solid relationship with your stepchildren. Make an effort to provide a welcoming, safe space where they may relax. Small, heartfelt actions can make a big difference, such as expressing interest in their pastimes or lending a sympathetic ear when they need it.
Communicate politely and refrain from comparing yourself to their mother while discussing boundaries. You’re establishing your own special position in their lives, not attempting to take her place.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Feeling alienated at times is common, but over time, love, tolerance, and regular attendance will strengthen those ties. More than you realize, you’re doing well.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
Other advice columns