Greetings, Miss MannersFor a while now, my spouse and I have been attempting to conceive. Our first pregnancy, which began when we were visiting my mother-in-law’s house, ended in a miscarriage at seven weeks. Before the secret was revealed, she was unaware that we were making an effort.
After we got home from the hospital, she was really nice and understanding, but ever since, she has openly shown her disapproval of us having a child. She will remark, “Oh, it’s so much work!” Or, it will cost you a lot of money to disturb your calm.
I couldn’t think of anything to respond because I was so shocked that she would say such things. Since then, I’ve spent less time with her.
We are happy to report that we are pregnant once more. My mother-in-law didn’t say anything more disparaging about having kids during a recent brief visit. She will undoubtedly voice her opinions on our upcoming visits, so I’m looking for some tactful but firm answers.
After we are certain that the baby is healthy, we will eventually tell her about our present pregnancy.
GENTLE READER: She’ll be ecstatic.
Your mother-in-law is not being excused by Miss Manners, mind you. Her comments were hurtful.
However, a lot of people do that in the naive attempt to offer consolation when none is available. They don’t fully understand the harm they cause when they claim that what destroys you is actually for the best.
It’s smart of you to keep the pregnancy a secret from her until it becomes clear. She will change her mind at that point, therefore it’s best to ignore the previous ones.
Greetings, Miss MannersWhat’s up with RSVP? Perhaps it’s because I studied Spanish in high school rather than French. People ask you to RSVP, but you haven’t done so either. So, is it a verb, a noun, or both?
Please RSVP is a dumb idea, even though I am aware that the SVP part means “please.” Is it their intention for you to reply only if you accept or even if you don’t?
Why French, too? Despite the fact that more Americans speak Spanish than French, I’m not promoting it. Oh, Danish, but why not? or Thai? It would be as logical.
Apart from being snobbish, is there any other justification for speaking French?
GENTLE READER: Conventional pretense.
There was a time when snooty Americans thought French traditions were superior to American ones. During the Kennedy era, the White House menus were also in French.
Talk about absurd. People are also perplexed (or seem to be, in order to justify the impoliteness of turning down an invitation), as you mention, as to whether this is true for both accepting and declining. As though they were unable to comprehend that hosts must be aware of who is doing what.
Miss Manners agrees with you completely. Saying “Please respond” is much clearer and more accurate. This is the official version: A response is requested.
If only you could persuade them to do it.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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