Greetings, Miss MannersMy great moral need to tell the truth has caused me to consider the part complete honesty plays in being polite. I frequently witness people gently avoiding situations by providing fictitious justifications or purposefully leaving out important data.
Although I am aware that the goal is typically to avoid upsetting someone or to spare their feelings, I find it difficult to see how this fits with the rules of proper etiquette. I worry that such reactions could end up being more detrimental in the long term, even if they are socially acceptable as white lies.
Could you offer advice on how to remain truthful while responding in a kind and sincere manner?
PERSONAL READER:Being truthful and considerate of others’ feelings are both virtues. Why do you think you have to pick one over the other?
Yes, even if reporting a criminal hurts the offender, you should still do it. But etiquette in everyday social situations necessitates striking a balance between the two qualities.
First of all, you should realize that your negative thoughts are simply that—your thoughts. They are not big facts. Second, if they will incite animosity, there is no reason to volunteer them.
Therefore, it is unnecessary to state whether you like or dislike the white elephant that was given to you as a gift. Where did you find it? It makes me happy to think of you. Or to tell the host that the dinner was terrible: Thank you very much for inviting me; it was wonderful to see you.
Oh no: It wasn’t really that fantastic to see them, therefore your honesty alarm went off. Alright, then simply utter the second sentence.
Don’t tell Miss Manners, however, that you adhere to this rule at all times. Did you voice your opinion that your boss’s strategy is ridiculous during the meeting? When you listen to your spouse’s minor daily problems, do you express how bored you are?
If you honestly said “yes,” you are using honesty as a weapon rather than as a virtue.
Greetings, Miss MannersAs a retired historian, I have educated several outstanding graduate students who are now employed in their own right. I don’t know how to call them. Saying “former student” could give the impression that they didn’t complete their degree, but I’m glad to report that all of my students did.
Two of them are particularly close, but I do think of them all as friends. However, considering their foundation, it’s clear that these connections are distinct from others I’ve had over the years. What recommendations do you have?
GENTLE READER: Give it a try. This student was among my best. As long as you don’t apply it to people in their hearing, Miss Manners is skeptical that anyone will protest.
Greetings, Miss MannersAt the age of sixty-two, I run four miles every day. In Florida, where I live, the temperature can reach or feel like it can reach 100 degrees on certain days.
People will occasionally shout, “Pick up the pace” or “Faster, faster,” when I pass them while running.
I’m not sure how to react, even though I know they’re trying to be funny or supportive in some sarcastic way, as if they’re teaching me.
At the moment, I disregard these remarks since I think they are impolite. Do you have any ideas about what I should say?
PERSONAL READER:and abandon you in my wake?
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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