To Annie, please:Since my grandma passed away five years ago, my relationship with my mother has been extremely strained. My grandma was primarily cared for by my mother and myself, and I cherished her. My mother’s brother, who has a history of anger management problems and domestic violence, severely verbally and emotionally abused me after she passed away. In spite of this, my mother has never supported me or acknowledged the harm I endured.
I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety ever since, and I steer clear of any family events that include her brother. I now feel left out of family gatherings as a result, which makes the hurt even worse. My mother’s lack of support has broken my perception of our family, which is what hurts the most.
Am I exaggerating? Can my relationship with my mother be restored? — A wounded daughter
To My Injured Daughter:I’m sorry to hear of your grandmother’s passing. She sounded like a wonderful lady. The ability of three generations of women to care for one another in various ways is lovely.
Please treat yourself with kindness. You are acknowledging your feelings and paying attention to your body, which is usually a good idea, without becoming overly dramatic. It is quite acceptable to feel uneasy around your uncle, and it is brave and healthy to decide to safeguard your wellbeing by avoiding settings in which he is present.
To Annie, please:In the case of Lost at Potato Creek, who lost his wife unexpectedly to cancer, only those who have gone through it themselves can fully comprehend what he is going through. I cried a dozen times a day for months after losing Molly because my sadness was so intense. My daughter said it best when she said, “We just get stronger; the grief doesn’t go away.”
The following guidance may assist someone get through this process and develop that strength:
No. 1: Understand that you are the first to heal. The only person who can assist you in overcoming severe grief is you. Although it’s a journey, you have the ability to start.
No. 2: Look for grieving therapy. Grief therapy provided by hospice can be very beneficial. I regret not going sooner because I waited several months to do so.
No. 3: Go through useful materials. I strongly suggest Fred Colby’s Widower to Widower. Along with helpful data and insights, it offers guidance on remarriage and identifying your current stage of bereavement.
Fourth: Offer to help. Giving back may be fulfilling and therapeutic. Every Thursday, I started taking Teddy, my dog, to Moffitt Cancer Center. It turned into one of my life’s most rewarding events and even facilitated my ability to interact with workers and widows.
No. 5: Have the correct attitude and try dating when you’re ready. Think about using dating sites to meet someone who can enrich your life rather than to replace your deceased spouse. Five years have passed since I met my present girlfriend, a widow who recognizes that loving my late wife does not exclude loving someone else. This is really crucial; be wary of people who want you to forget about your previous relationship.
Although everyone’s experience with grief is different, these stages were helpful to me. I’m hoping they can help others dealing with this severe loss by offering some advice and consolation.
To Grieving,I appreciate your letter. I hope it lets those in similar circumstances know they are not alone and that there are helpful support networks.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
Other advice columns