To Annie, please:I have seven grandchildren who are very important to me, and I am 58 years old. However, it appears that one of my sons only contacts me when he needs me to care his children. Since they are all under five, I love spending time with kids and have no problem lending a hand. Every moment I spend with them is valuable because I have major health problems. While I can, I want to leave them with enduring memories.
Nevertheless, it aches that my son doesn’t try to engage with me outside of his desire for daycare. I want to talk to him about this, but I’m afraid of his reaction. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship or my grandchildren’s time. How can I discuss this with him without making things tense? Grandma’s love
To My Loving Grandmother:Discussing this with your son is the best course of action. He might not even be aware of how his behavior is affecting you. Talk to him in a straightforward and sincere manner. Tell him that you would love to spend some time with him alone and that you miss him. Maybe suggest going out for coffee or lunch soon.
You can create a more genuine relationship with him and your grandchildren by presenting it positively and emphasizing your wish to get back in touch. This will not put him on the defensive.
To Annie, please:I’ve been with my hubby for more than 30 years. He has two grown children from a previous marriage.
His last marriage ended in a violent divorce and was a nightmare. His former partner caused a great deal of strife in the household, made needless noise with their kids, and acted so strangely that my husband was given a protective order against her. She even went so far as to phone the police during visitation exchanges, falsely accusing him of harassment, and she never expressed regret to him for what she had done.
She once caused so much trouble at my husband’s sister’s house with her sister that his sister had to get a peace order to keep her out.
My stepdaughter has now taken it upon herself to extend invitations to her mother for Easter and Christmas Eve, as well as other family gatherings on my husband’s side. My husband should have established limits long ago but chose not to, even though he never disparaged his ex in front of their children. My sister-in-law, who never liked the ex but stays away from my stepdaughter to maintain harmony, has also damaged me.
I’ve made the decision to stay away from any gathering where the ex might be. Despite the fact that I had nothing to do with the breakup, she blamed me for it, and I firmly believe that she has no business attending these events. The ex must not have heard the judge declare them divorced, according to my late mother-in-law.
Am I mistaken for feeling this way? — The Actual Mrs.
To The Real Mrs.:Your letter’s signature conveys a strong sense of possessiveness toward your spouse. Given the past with his ex, it makes sense that you are upset and annoyed by this circumstance. However, family dynamics are complex, and your stepdaughter might feel torn between the two and think it’s appropriate to include her mother.
Although it is frustrating, your husband may be reluctant to establish limits because he wants to prevent more arguments with his kids. Try to think about how your stepdaughter might feel rather than just how you feel. You might be able to tolerate the circumstance more sympathetically if you adopt this viewpoint.
Think about discussing how this affects you with your husband in a calm and sincere manner. Express your emotions without passing judgment on his choices or his kids. It’s your decision and a barrier you can set for yourself if you have strong feelings about not going to occasions where his ex is present.
Annie Lane’s “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is her second anthology. Available in paperback and e-book formats, it includes popular essays on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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