Note: The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To Annie, please:In mid-August, my husband of 19 years hosted an office party at our house. He changed departments four years ago after eighteen years of employment. Because of my job schedule, I had never met any of the current team members.
Upon being presented to me, one of his friends groaned. My heart fell.
I reminded this woman that I had waited on her at my part-time job as I made my way around the room getting to know each person individually. My husband informed her that I had sold her cigarettes, so she told me she knew about the encounter. But before the party, I asked my husband if he had said anything, and he replied that he hadn’t. He thus misled me.
I looked over his phone, computer, and phone bills after the party. Throughout the day and night, I found a lot of private interaction. They were essentially having an affair, in my opinion.
Pet names including “baby boo,” “sugar britches,” and “good morning, sunshine” were used in the communications. Even worse, they declared their love for one another.
We are currently attempting to mend the harm my husband has created by attending therapy.
The woman who attempted to separate us said she had no interest in becoming involved in the drama in our home when confronted. I questioned her about the affectionate way she was referring to my husband.
This woman was once dated by a friend of my husband’s. She has a lengthy history of drinking and going to treatment, which I found out about when I did contact him. The fact that women pursue married guys as if it were a game and a way to destroy relationships is heartbreaking.
I want to know what you think. — Heartbroken in South Dakota
To the Brokenhearted:I’m thinking of you. I sincerely apologize for your husband’s deceit regarding his affair. Why not direct all of your resentment and aggravation onto your couples therapy sessions rather than placing the blame on her? It was him, not her, who was married. Blaming her for pursuing your husband is not the solution; it takes two to tango. Finding the source of the issue in your relationship and learning why he wanted to stray in the first place is the true solution. Or to come to terms with your husband’s infidelity and move on.
Your husband is the person you truly know, yet it is simpler to blame someone you hardly know for attempting to destroy your marriage. Put the blame on him and see if and how you can make your marriage work again.
To Annie, please:It was really fortunate for the woman to write to you and tell you that she got acquainted with the ex-wife. Despite my best efforts, I was excluded.
She once threatened to sue me for harassment after I wrote her a letter outlining all of our shared interests, including our love for the children. If nothing else, the children would have benefited from our collaboration for their well-being. — Depressing in Lakewood
Dear Sad in Lakewood: Although we have no control over how other people respond to our acts, we do have control over how we treat them. It is always preferable for the children to see their family get along than to watch their ex-partners quarrel and not get along.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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