Greetings, Miss MannersFor a variety of reasons, my siblings and I—all of us are in our 40s and 50s—have not gotten along well in recent years. My younger sister sent us all an email last year informing us that although she would still try to attend family events, we would not be seeing her husband or son.
She requested shortly after that we stop speaking to her and her family. I realized they had to act in their own best interests, and I haven’t spoken to them since.
As you may imagine, I was taken aback when I opened an RSVP for her son’s wedding that was addressed to her. My siblings were invited as well.
Even though I would be thrilled to visit my nephew on his wedding day, I don’t want to raise my expectations for a renewed familial bond because that still doesn’t seem likely. The absence of any further communication raises doubts about whether the invitation was delivered as a kind of olive branch. Alternatively, it might have been sent as a courtesy with no expectation that we would show up.
How can I approach my sister and politely voice my worries without further strained relations?
PERSONAL READER:Everything has its proper protocol, and ending a relationship is no exception.
It appears that your sister was given the authority to speak for her kid last year. That might not be the case anymore. Miss Manners believes that the hosts are most likely your nephew and his fiancée or the bride’s parents, even though the unexpected wedding invitation makes things confusing.
She can’t realistically expect you to disregard it, though, since it’s a family communication. If you do hope this is an olive branch, then the way to approach it is to write to your sister first, telling her that you received an invitation and that you plan to accept it. In this manner, you will be notified before sending the official acceptance if she intends to do something terrible, such as withdraw the invitation.
Greetings, Miss MannersIn front of people who aren’t invited, a friend of mine discusses plans she and I have together. She often tells others that she wants her hand-picked group at the table, so they can’t sit with us at lunch.
I am aware that it would be impolite to reprimand her manners. How do I tell her that I don’t want to be a part of this without coming across as disrespectful myself?
GENTLE READER: Although you are obligated to refrain from participating in her rudeness, she will eventually learn from your example.
Change the topic, preferably subtly, to put an end to the conversations about future plans. It should be sufficient to discuss it later.
Miss Manners understands that it will be more challenging to defy her impromptu seating orders. As holding seats is not unreasonable in all circumstances, you will have to judge when to countermand her — and when it will be preferable to arrive late yourself.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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