Note: The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To All Readers:We appreciate all of your comments on Letting Go Is Hard to Do. Our readers are unquestionably amazing parents. Two of my favorite letters are shown here.
To Annie, please:This is in response to Letting Go Is Hard to Do, who, after seeing a dubious bank transaction, was concerned about the decisions her daughter would be making in college.
In addition, I am the mother of a college-age child. Since my kid was a senior in high school, we have maintained a joint account.
I vowed not to let our shared checking account serve as a window into his personal life. I promise you that it is really difficult to avoid looking, particularly while I am sending funds to his account. I turn aside and cover my eyes if his spending information appears.
I never disclosed to him that I had a don’t-see-don’t-tell trust in place. He is highly self-reliant, and he would have begun to distrust me if I had raised any doubts. Teens always manage to get around obstacles by pulling money out of their accounts and using it for such purposes, or using the money to purchase a Visa gift card.
As they age, it becomes simpler to avoid looking. I urge you to consider why you should examine her spending habits. For a good four or five years, my son was not an angel. However, he now has faith in me, and he turns to me for guidance, comfort, and to calm his concerns when the really difficult or significant things happen. When your bird flies, you will be rewarded with honesty and trust if you loosen up a bit. — Trust and Money
To Annie, please:In my response to the mother who is worried about her 18-year-old daughter effectively just being an 18-year-old away at college, I want to be as courteous as possible.
With all due respect, Letting Go: You seem like a wonderful mother, and you and your daughter appear to get along well. Perhaps you might stop talking about God’s gift, stop considering what your religion says about birth control, and simply ask your child if she’s okay and let her know you’re available to chat.
She might not care as much as you do about what God and the leaders of your religious community think about her sexual life. You are both human and in love with one another here on Earth. Take the lead on that.
Again, be honest when discussing sex addiction and so-called addictive behaviors, which are actually compulsions rather than behaviors in an addict and are indications of an illness called addiction. Address it directly. Don’t downplay it if you’re really concerned.
If you’re not, respect her right to her own life and don’t share your thoughts. You can have a close, sincere, and genuine relationship or a combination of religious idealism, denial, and hope. However, attempting to have both nearly ensures that the first will be lost, which is unfortunate.
Keep her life between you and her, your life between you and God, and have faith that God will take care of the rest. God is too busy tending to billions of souls to give birth control and sex gadgets much thought. Follow God’s guidance. — A Teen’s Father, Too
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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